Coffee Shop Writing - Week 2

I probably should have written this on Friday, but I was too busy composing my pre-Shutdown Day entry. Had I written and posted this on Saturday, I would have been in violation of Shutdown Day and the Internet police would have locked me away in a virtual prison.1 Sunday was…well, I’d hate to ruin a perfectly good Monday with talk of this particular Sunday.

So, what’d I write at the coffee shop last week? Well, it was a short week.

Monday

Chris had conflicting plans and wasn’t able to make it to the coffee shop, so I decided that my desire to sleep past 7:30 would conflict with my writing and I bailed, too.

Tuesday

I started writing a script for something Chris and I are doing for The Secret Lair.

Later, I wrote an eleven hundred word short story, complete with beginning, middle and end. This is a rarity for me, as anyone who follows this blog will be aware. I won’t lie: it left me with a sense of accomplishment. But…I didn’t write it at the coffee shop, so once again it doesn’t count.

Wednesday

I have no idea what, if anything, I wrote on Wednesday. Yet I know for a fact that I was at the coffee shop, consumed 20 oz. of decaffeinated brew, and had my laptop. Or perhaps I was abducted by aliens. From outer space. And they stole my words.

Thursday

Thursday was the first of May, so I used my time at the coffee shop to compost my annual ode to Jonathan Coulton and the joys of…interfacing in the great outdoors.

Friday

Chris wasn’t able to make it to the coffee shop so naturally I was there early, for a change. I’ve been rolling in at about 7:53 for our 7:45 session for a week and a half and the one day Chris isn’t there I show up 25 minutes early. Typical. So I fired up the iPod and wrote the aforementioned Shutdown Day post.

This week, we’re supposed to write something that we can exchange with one another for critique, so blog posts probably won’t cut it. Which means I’ve just blown a day. So typical.

  1. Unfortunately for Interprison, files are easy to smuggle in; no cake required, just send it via FTP. Ba-dum-ching. [back]

BrightKite: The friendliest of friends.

I received an invitation to BrightKite this morning, a service that—by most accounts—seems to be Twitter with location tracking.1 Why would I want the entire Internets to know where I am when I post my inane, 140-character updates?2 I haven’t figured that out, yet. What I do know is that I have an irrational desire to create accounts and set up my profile on every newfangled, whizbang Web 2.0 “service” that comes down a series of tubes, regardless of whether I’ll actually get any real use out of it.

So here is BrightKite. Will it become the next Twitter, or will it become a Jaiku (which I use occasionally) or a Pownce (which I don’t use at all)? Time will tell, but BrightKite has one feature that none of the others do: love.

Almost immediately upon signing in to BrightKite, I noticed I had a friend request from Chris Miller. “Good ol’ Chris Miller!” thought I, and immediately accepted his request and designated him a “trusted friend”.3 I’m sure that means something extra special, like giving him access to my library records or making him executor of my will…whatever—I’ll get around to the particulars later. The important thing is that it puts a little heart next to his name.

Codeshaman on BrightKite: Best Friends Forever!

Awww, isn’t that sweet?

Thanks, BrightKite. Thanks for bringing the love back to the Internets.

  1. And some sort of photo feature, from the looks of it. [back]
  2. Why would people want to read my inane, 140-character updates? Because I bring the funny. We’ve been over this. [back]
  3. Am I naïve and foolhardy to place this kind of trust in another man? Perhaps, but if trusting Chris is wrong, then I don’t want to be right! [back]

Shutdown Day 2008

Shutdown Day 2008If you’ve visited KJToo.com in the last week or so, you’ve undoubtedly noticed the banner ad for Shutdown Day 2008 blinking and flashing1 above the first post. Let me assure you that the presence of this ad does not herald a new wave of product pitches or promises that you’re the 10 bajillionth visitor and if you’d just click the banner you could claim your fabulous prize. That’s just not how we roll up in here.

On occasion, however, when I participating in (or planning to participate in) something I think is interesting or (dare I say?) cool, I may pop a banner for it up there for a week or two, just to get people’s attention.

Shutdown Day falls into both “interesting” and “cool” categories: it’s a day (tomorrow) when thousands of people across the globe will be turning off their computers. Will it make a difference? Maybe not terms of saving electricity or rainforests or tree frogs or sailors with the scurvy, but to those people who sit on the edge of their seat waiting for my next tweet…well, their butts are going to get numb. That’s about it.

This morning I got up at 6:30,2 completed my morning routine,3 went down to my office, synchronized KJToonz4 and powered down Hannibal.5 Yes. A day early. The silence was soul-rending.

If I didn’t have to work today, I could be completely computer-free. Alas, I do need to bring home the (turkey) bacon, so the ones and zeroes will have to continue their relentless march for a few hours more.

See you on the other side.

  1. …and flashing and blinking…it just keeps blinking and flashing. I can’t stand it anymore! Why doesn’t somebody pull the plug? [back]
  2. Yes. 6:30. Ante meridiem. If you’re thinking that sounds like the beginning of an episode of The Twilight Zone, you’re not alone; I’m still not convinced it happened, myself. [back]
  3. No hoboes were harmed during the completion of my morning routine. This time. [back]
  4. My iPod. [back]
  5. My desktop PC. [back]

First of May 2008

Begone, ye fools and showers! April is no more!

As is my annual tradition, I am posting (some of) the lyrics from Jonathan Coulton’s “First of May”, with the caveat that the remaining lyrics are decidedly adult in nature.

Jonathan CoultonJonathan Coulton is as close to an Internet rock star as one can possibly be. His song “Skullcrusher Mountain” is the official theme of The Secret Lair, and if that isn’t enough to convince you, Coulton’s “Still Alive” appears not only in the wildly popular first-person shooter, Portal, but also in the wildly popular musical madness known as Rock Band.

Yes, he’s an incredibly talented, incredibly funny, incredibly bearded guy, and he wrote a song just for today.

I woke up this morning
I had a scone and a large house blend
Then a little conversation
with my squirrel and chipmunk friends

I said, “I’m sick and tired of winter,
and I wish that it was spring.”
Then a little fella named Robin Red Breast
began to sing.

And he sang,
Ooh-ooh, child
what you think the cold winter’s gonna last forever?
Ooh-ooh, child,
now’s the time for all the people to get together…
outside.

‘Cause it’s the first of May,
first of May…

First of May” by Jonathan Coulton

Whether or not you celebrate today in the spirit that Jonathan intended, do get outside and enjoy the weather, and if you should stumble across someone who is celebrating in the spirit of the song…well, it’s probably best to just avert your eyes.

The Ultimate Pardon

“Run through it one more time for me, Tom,” the President said, squinting slightly against the sun. The sky was clear, not even the contrail of a passing jet detracting from the pale blue firmament. This isn’t right, he thought, frowning as he watched a lone bird—a hawk by the look of it—soar quietly overhead. I’d always imagined this sort of thing to be done in the dead of night; certainly not in broad daylight…and certainly not with worldwide media coverage.

The reporters were held at bay perhaps a hundred yards away, lined up behind the cemetery’s high, wrought iron fence. The President knew they were there, but didn’t bother to look; he knew their cameras were likely focused on him, trying to catch a glimpse through the broad-shouldered throng of Secret Service agents. He knew that even from this distance, the cameras would see every detail of his face—his furrowed brow, the hint of tears welling up in the corners of his eyes, the downturned corners of his mouth—and broadcast it all to millions, perhaps billions, of television sets across the globe.

“Yes, sir,” Tom said. The advisor adjusted his tie—a nervous tic he hadn’t managed to overcome despite nearly four years in the public eye—and gestured to the coffin that had been exhumed several hours ago. “When you’re ready, we’ll open the casket. Secret Service will do one final security sweep, then all personnel will retreat to the ten yard perimeter. Once the perimeter is established, you will light the torch at each vertice of the pentagram…”

The President looked at the coffin as Tom ran through the procedure for the fifth time in as many days. He nodded slowly, only half-listening to his advisor. The polished wood gleamed brightly; either the concrete vault had protected the coffin exceptionally well, or someone had spent a considerable amount of time cleaning it after the exhumation. Surely the corpse within would not have remained as untouched by the ravages of time as the vessel in which it had been interred.

The President waited until Tom finished, then took a deep breath. “Let’s get this over with,” he said, shrugging off his suit jacket and handing it to an aide—Camryn, he reminded himself for no particular reason. He loosened his tie and watched as the sexton—the only person on the cemetery grounds who wasn’t part of the White House staff—opened the heavy coffin lid.

There was a brief, heavy moment as the sexton looked into the casket, his face ash-white, before the Secret Service descended upon the open coffin, visually inspecting the vessel and the remains it contained while two German Shepherds sniffed for explosives and hazardous chemicals.

This isn’t right, the President thought again, this is a desecration. He wondered if his predecessor, the first United States President to grant the ultimate pardon before leaving office, had felt the same way. No, he didn’t expect she had. He didn’t expect she had felt much of anything at all.

“All Clear!”

In seconds, he was alone. The Secret Service and the K-9 unit had retreated to the perimeter, along with Tom and Camryn and the rest of the President’s staff. He took another deep breath and hefted his old Bic lighter—a present from his father, of all people; his father who could not abide smokers. He ran a thumb over the worn emblem on front of the stainless steel, an American eagle whose color had been rubbed away years ago, and thought that this, too, was wrong. Surely he was not going to begin the sacred rite by flipping his Bic.

But he did just that, and the flame was as strong as it had ever been, barely guttering in the afternoon breeze. The President lit the first torch, nearly burning his knuckles as whatever concoction soaked the tip came ablaze with a soft whump. He crossed from the northern point of the star to the southwest, then to the northeast, then northwest and finally southeast, deliberately not looking at the coffin that lay in the center of the pentagram.

All five torches lit, the President snapped the lid of his lighter shut and dropped it into his right pocket, the weight a familiar reassurance. He took another deep breath and stepped to the side of the coffin, finally looking down at the body within. Time, as he suspected had not been kind. The face was drawn and desiccated, lips pulled back to form a grotesque grin around teeth that seemed too large for the sunken features. He was suddenly very glad of the arcane rules that governed this macabre proceeding: to be eligible for raising, the individual must have died while the President raising him or her held office. Four years had not been gentle to the corpse; he shuddered to think of how cruel forty would have been.

The President lifted a trembling hand and rested it on the wrinkled forehead. The skin was dry beneath his palm and felt so much unlike human flesh that he had to fight back the urge to vomit. My approval rating is bad enough, he thought hysterically, I can’t imagine how low it would plunge if I puked on national television in the course of performing my last official act as President. He almost looked up at the cameras he knew were there, at the members of his staff he knew were watching, but instead he blinked away fresh tears and took another deep breath.

I don’t want to do this. Oh, God, I do not want to do this.

But he had taken an oath, and whether he wanted to perform the ritual or not didn’t matter; only that he believed the ritual would work. And he believed. Oh, yes, he believed. On his inauguration day he had watched his outgoing predecessor perform the ritual herself. Had watched a dead man rise from a coffin much like this one. Oh, yes, he believed.

His voice cracked as he spoke. “By the power vested in me by the citizens of the United States of America, I release you from death. I welcome you to a new life.”

Again the President nearly vomited as warmth blossomed in the forehead beneath his hand. His breath caught in his chest and he staggered back, his fingers cramping and twisting, his palm burning with a cold fire that spread up his arm. The President fell to his knees, unable to breathe, staring as manicured fingers gripped the edge of the coffin and the figure within rose.

***

Tom didn’t look at the body on the ground as he stepped forward. “Madam President,” he said, smiling and extending his right hand.  “Welcome back.”


The preceding story was inspired by Mur Lafferty’s new project, The News From Poughkeepsie, wherein she plans to post a story idea each day for a year. Today’s writing prompt asks what would happen if the President had the power to raise people from the dead at the end of his term.

This is pretty much a first draft, though I did do some on-the-fly editing.