Let the word go forth across the land…


Yea, be it known that I have just this moment finished the best Subway meatball marinara sub that was ever assembled by the hand of Man.

Size: 12″
Bread: wheat
Cheese: American
Toasted: yes
Vegetables: spinach, pickles, lettuces, banana peppers
Condiments: mayonnaise

Even in the early stages of preparation, I could tell that this was to be a special sub. The Sandwich Artist meticulously selected only the ripest, roundest meatballs from the marinara bath, then he placed four slices of cheese atop the beefy spheres at exactly twenty-seven and one half degrees from the horizontal. The sub was then toasted until only the very edges of the bread were lightly crisped and the cheese melted in such a manner as to lovingly embrace the meat orbs.

Then the vegetables were applied. Spinach, the shape and size of which was perfect to a leaf. Aged dill pickles that would reach their peak at precisely the moment I began to consume the sub. Yellow peppers so succulent and tempting as to moisten even the driest of tongues. And the lettuce. Oh, the lettuce. The Bard himself weeps in Heaven, knowing that what he knew of beauty could not compare to this green miracle.

At this point, the sandwich had already far surpassed anything previously created at 6105 Mayfield Road, but it was not yet finished. Oh, no. One more ingredient was necessary to complete this masterpiece. Blended from the freshest egg yolks, the smoothest vegetable oil and the finest vinegar, the mayonnaise transcended traditional notions of flavor. Once the creamy condiment was applied, the assembly of ingredients was transformed into the ne plus ultra of subs.


It was that good.

14 responses to “Let the word go forth across the land…”

  1. Lola Avatar

    I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t pack your lunch this morning. It would pain me greatly to deprive you of such a gastronomic orgas…uh, experience.

    Man, am I hungry.

  2. KJToo Avatar

    I almost packed my lunch this morning, but the idea of bologna sandwiches on cinnamon-raisin bread wasn’t entirely appealing.

  3. Thagg Avatar

    Mayo, huh?

    An unpardonable sin propagated by most sub franchises is the stubborn refusal to ditch the mayo for the more versatile and tangy Miracle Whip.

    From a health or taste standpoint, mayo comes in a distant 2nd. Switching to the ‘lite’ version creates an almost unpassable chasm betwixt the two.

    The family loves to frequent Jimmy Johns, but the food must be prepared ‘to go’, and my sandwich prepared without mayo. I will make the short jaunt to our casa and add the MW myself.

    OTOH, the eldest broodling shares your enthusiasm for the meatball sub, sans peppers. I myself have enjoyed a few before toasting was available. Unfortunately, it appears that the local Sandwich Artists are left wanting by comparison.

  4. KJToo Avatar

    I do like the tangy zip, but in my advancing years I’ve become far more flexible in the Miracle Whip vs. Mayonnaise debate.

  5. Thagg Avatar

    Times come and go, but standards must remain.

    While I can, and often do tolerate mayo, Jimmy Johns is close enough to the casa and the bread used there seems to accentuate the choice of dressing significantly more than Subway, Quiznos or Mancino’s/Bellacino’s.

    If your culinary experience has not included a Jimmy Johns sandwich, the entire family urges you to consider rectifying this soon. Provided you can. Their website will locate the nearest and allow you to check out the entire menu.

  6. KJToo Avatar

    I’ve never been to a Jimmy John’s. Alas, the website doesn’t seem to be loading properly for me. I get an intro from the man himself, followed by a single, perplexing red dot in the center of the window. The red dot does nothing when clicked, and even less when not clicked. I’m not meant to know the location of the nearest franchise, it seems.

    I like the alfredo-ish sauce Quizno’s uses on their chicken carbonara sub, which is just about the only thing I order when I’m there. Sometimes I’m okay with sticking my head out of the Comfort Zone to try something new once in a while, but I tend to be a creature of habit when it comes to Quizno’s. Oddly enough, I recall not liking their meatball sub, which seems wholly impossible.

  7. KJToo Avatar

    On the subject of subs, there are two non-Subway, non-Quizno’s (and let’s not forget non-Mr. Hero) sub shops in the area that I do like. The first is Jersey Mike’s and the second is Penn Street Station. The former has a grocery store deli feel to it, while the latter is a mix of 50’s diner and Steak and Shake.

    Penn Street does the fresh cut fries and homemade lemonade, which Laura really likes. Their menu is fairly expansive and they do a few of the more quirky subs (chicken teriyaki, pizza). Unfortunately, it’s not in a great location for us. When I’m in the mood for a sub, I want it ASAP, and driving ten minutes to the sub shop isn’t something I’m likely to do.

    Jersey Mike’s is closer, and they tend to focus on the more traditional subs (cold cuts and cheesesteak). They also have good chili. Not really a dine-in place (though I think they’ve got a few tables), but I’m usually heading home from Comic Heaven when I stop by Jersey Mike’s, anyway.

  8. Thagg Avatar

    Speaking of Comfort Zones, MFC knows of only one Subway sandwich. Seafood and Crab. On white with lettuce, tomato and cheese. It’s been a long while, so I don’t remember the condiments.

    You have a 10-minute limit on drive time? You so spoiled.

    This is the first residence for us which has any multi-state sub shops (Subway, Jimmy Johns and Bellacino’s) shops within 10 minutes.

    Jimmy Johns focuses on classic subs, but they have the best bread we have tried. Reasonably priced, though smaller than you are used to. And fast.

  9. Bob Avatar

    Thank you for introducing me to the Jimmy Johns website. That’s fairly hysterical. If there was one near me, I might even try to patronize it!

  10. KJToo Avatar

    Dammit, I completely forgot to go to Jimmy John’s from home yesterday! The site just does not want to function properly from work. I get Jimmy’s greeting (“Hi, I’m Jimmy! Welcome to my site…”), but after that it’s just a stubborn red dot. Curse you, red dot!

  11. Thagg Avatar

    That’s right, they also have a great sense of humor. My favorite sign on the wall: “If you think you have a reservation, you are in the wrong place”. The in-store menu includes very amusing ordering instructions.

    Do youse guys have troubles with Flash at work? Those pesky IT people (ahem), may have something to do with that.

  12. KJToo Avatar

    IT people are smug, elitist asshats to the last man. Remember the SNL skits about “Nick Burns, Your Company’s Computer Guy”? Yeah. They’re all like that. A bunch of socially-deficient pricks who can’t get laid, so they take out their sexual frustrations by lording their technological “superiority” over any unlucky enough to need their help.

    And I’m the exception that proves the rule, baby!

  13. Nycteris Avatar

    I have never considered mayo on a meatball sub. I’ll think about that one! I do like the banana peppers, but I usually also add black olives.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Nycteris — I’m not terribly fond of black olives, so they don’t often make an appearance on my plate. Green olives, on the other hand, I enjoy a great deal; but not generally on stuff.

      The mayo/marinara combination is one that has caused many a friend to make the “I’m gonna barf” face.

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