Dracula 3000 (2004)

Dracula 3000
Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness (2004)

Starring Casper van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio and Langley Kirkwood.

Directed by Darrell Roodt.

First off, this movie makes Wes Craven presents Dracula 2000 seem like a masterpiece of vampire cinema. That’s saying a lot.

Dracula (Langley Kirkwood) is just pathetic. Modern day vampires (see Underworld and the aforementioned D2K) have recently been presented as long-haired bad boys with a flair for fashion. In the far-flung future, however, the Big D apparently looks like a throwback to the old classic Bela Lugosi bloodsucker, but without the budget for wardrobe.

Worst. Dracula. Ever. And that includes Richard Roxburgh in Van Helsing and George Hamilton in Love at First Bite. Hell, Count Chocula looks more intimidating!

Then there’s the fact that this is essentially Dracula in Space. Moving your horror franchise to outer space is the best way to jump that shark. Look how well it worked for Hellraiser and Friday the 13th. ((What about Leprechaun, you ask? After all, it was one of the first (if not the first) horror franchises to launch its antagonist into orbit. Well, Leprechaun is a special case. There are two installments following Leprechaun in Space: Leprechaun In Tha Hood and Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood. This may be a case where the franchise jumps the shark multiple times. Verification will require a Leprechaun movie marathon, followed by intense psychotherapy.))

In the year 3000, the salvage ship Mother III, captained by Abraham Van Helsing (Casper Van Dien), happens upon the Demeter, a ship that has been floating in space for fifty—wait a minute, Van Helsing? That’s right, the captain of the salvage crew is descended from none other than the famed vampire hunter. He even has the same first name. Astounding!

But wait, there’s more. The navigator aboard the Mother III is one Mina Murry. There’s also a Holmwood on the crew. Only the Jonathan Harker and Renfield got the short shrift in the year three thousand. Well, unless you count the Count. He got the shortest shrift of all, but that’s already been covered.

Anyway, the Demeter. It’s an apparently abandoned, derelict ship that’s been drifting in the Carpathian system for the past fifty years. The crew of the Mother III boards the derelict in the hopes of resuscitating the wreck and salvaging it for a cool fifteen million credits. Of course, the Demeter isn’t quite as empty as she first appears. Derelict ships drifting in space for fifty years never are.

187 (Coolio) is the first of the crew to bite (or rather, be bitten by) the big one. Then Mina disappears and Aurora (Erika Eleniak) meets el lechón de la sangre del número uno himself, Count … Orlock? Well, that’s what he calls himself, anyway. Like Diddy, the Big Drac Attack apparently plays fast and loose with the monikers.

I’d say more about the whole debacle, but the truth is I fell asleep with about twenty minutes remaining in the movie. It is extremely rare for me to fall asleep while watching television, but D3K: ID just wasn’t enough to keep me away from the Land of Nod.

Maybe I’ll watch the thrilling conclusion tonight.