The Christmas Run-down

Laura and I usually spend one of the winter holidays with my parents and the other with hers. This generally means a 13-hour drive up to the U.P. in November or December, which thrills Laura to no end. She much prefers the U.P. in late July or early August, when the temperature soars high above freezing.

I, on the other hand, love visiting the U.P. in the wintertime. It’s in my blood, it’s in my boots, and sometimes it’s in my beard.

This year, Laura was at PregCon 7 when Thanksgiving rolled around, and we had decided not to travel for the holidays. We had a very nice Thanksgiving with Laura’s family, and then my mother-in-law canceled Christmas.

Well, actually, it turns out she had to work on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so we postponed our Christmas get-together until next weekend, when we’ll do a combined Christmas and New Year’s celebration. We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny f- … well, you get the idea.

Today was not bereft of joyeux noel, however. Laura somehow managed to get us invited to the Schoonover residence for Christmas dinner. I guess you can get away with a lot when you’re eight months pregnant. We had a very good dinner and did a little gift exchange with Chris (AKA Schoon) and Lynette. Also, there were mudslides, which fill me with the Christmas spirit. Or spirits. Whatever.

Because I love lists, here are the Official Christmas 2005 Loot Lists.

First, from Mrs. Kris (Kringle), I received:

  • The Shroud of the Twacker by Chris Elliot (yes, that Chris Elliot).
  • To Drive the Cold Winter Away by Loreena McKennitt. This CD came with a bonus DVD that made me want to get more of Loreena McKennitt’s music in 5.1 surround sound. I’ve fallen prey to their clever marketing ploy!
  • Underthings.
  • More underthings. These ones are funny boxers that have “May the Farts be with you” printed on them. You didn’t need to know that.
  • Button-down shirt (color: seaweed).
  • Lounge pants (what “men” apparently call pajama bottoms, now).
  • A new wallet. My driver’s license was threatening to escape the old one.
  • The Emperor Palpatine (or is it Darth Sidious?) PEZ dispenser. When you pull back his head, a goiter of pure, unadulterated evil thrusts out of his neck. Lemony!

From various relatives, friends and co-workers:

  • Button-down shirt (color: rust).
  • Caramel corn and snacky-type flavored oyster crackers. Yum!
  • Filthy lucre and a Best Buy gift card. Honestly, it’s hard to go wrong with cash and gift certificates. Truth be told, though, I agonize over how to spend gift money sometimes. I want to be certain that what I buy is worthy of other people’s money. Weird.
  • The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Work by Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht, with illustrations by Brenda Brown. Now I know the proper way to duck out of a meeting, get a job I’m not qualified for, and take over an unoccupied office.
  • Strong Bad Sings and Other Type Hits by Strong Bad and featuring Limozeen, Taranchula, The Kinda Long-Haired Band, What’s-Her-Face, Marzipan, Coach Z, Strong Sad, Strong Mad and Mrs. Partsmatter’s First Grade Class. If you don’t know who Strong Bad is, you need to head over to Homestar Runner and spend the next three days looking at every last cartoon on the site. I’ll wait for you here.
  • Strong Bad Emails 3-disc DVD set. The first 100 Strong Bad e-mails.
  • Strong Bad Emails Disc 4. Strong Bad e-mails 101-130.
  • Everything Else Vol. 1. A ton of other Homestar Runner stuff on DVD.

As you can see, I made out like a bandit this year. I seem to know a lot of extremely generous people who haven’t quite figured out that I deserve nothing but coal. I’m sure they’ll catch on next year, and I’ll be singing a different tune.

The tune I’m singing now? It goes a little something like this…

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome, Christmas,
come this way!

Fah who for-aze
Dah who dor-aze
Welcome, Christmas,
Christmas day!

Once again, Merry Christmas to all.

7 thoughts on “The Christmas Run-down”


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