Non Sequitur: Fun Facts (Round 1)


Recently, I spouted a series of “facts” about some of the folks I converse with on Twitter. In their original form, these all contained 140 characters or less. For ease of use today I have expanded the names of the Factees, so some individual facts may exceed the 140-character limit.

BONUS QUEST: Savvy readers might be able to determine the impetus for this exercise in lunacy if they examine the list carefully.

  • FUN FACT: Sam Chupp has not one but two arms, each with a five-fingered hand at the end. Individually, the hands are incapable of clapping.
  • FUN FACT: Jared Axelrod can go from clean-shaven to a goatee in seven minutes flat if he concentrates.
  • FUN FACT: Chris Miller once stabbed a minor Internet celebrity in the face…WITH HIS EYES!
  • FUN FACT: J.C. Hutchins loses all his super powers if he sees the color chartreuse, but only if it is actually Pantone® 14-0445.
  • FUN FACT: Contrary to popular belief, Bob is not married to the daughter of a prominent Mafia Don…ANYMORE.
  • FUN FACT: Evo Terra would just as soon kill you as look at you, but in actuality HE DOES NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU.
  • FUN FACT: Kris Johnson had a triple-shot venti mocha from Starbucks after lunch, and now his BRAIN IS ON FIRE.
  • FUN FACT: Ken Newquist has never been within arm’s length of an extraterrestrial being, but only because he has RIDICULOUSLY SHORT ARMS.
  • FUN FACT: Ivan has a removable face, used to switch expressions and show emotion, but he never changes it because he is ALWAYS ANGRY.
  • FUN FACT: Mur Lafferty once wrote a romance novel under the pseudonym Karyn Van Heusen. The title: LOVE’S FORBIDDEN FILLING.
  • FUN FACT: As a master of several forms of martial arts, Jason Penney knows 114 ways to immobilize a man, seven of them using JUST HIS GILLS.

SECRET BONUS QUEST: If you are extremely observant (and I suspect you are), you have already noticed that each of the names mentioned above is actually a hypertext link to another area of the Interwebs altogether. If I were to suggest that a CODED MESSAGE can be revealed by reading the fifth word of the most recent blog post (as of 18 January 2009) at or near each of these locations, I WOULD BE LYING. If I were to suggest that the first person to embark upon such a wild goose chase and comment here with the unscrambled message might win a prize of not-insignificant fabulosity, THAT WOULD ALSO BE A LIE. You should not do this. There is no message. There is no prize. Any effort you expend in attempting to glean such a message in order to attain such a prize would be UTTERLY WASTED. I am absolutely not kidding.

11 responses to “Non Sequitur: Fun Facts (Round 1)”

  1. The Bearded Goose Avatar

    I’m going to have to slap you with a trademark infringement lawsuit for the use of “wild goose chase.” Please cease and desist.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Goose — I looked through my mail to see if your cease and desist order has arrived (I assume your lawyer is sending me one) but it has not. You might want to check with the Post Office and consider using some sort of guaranteed delivery next time.

  2. Rachel Avatar

    That’s just wacky.
    You should drink triple shots of espresso more often. I want to see you kill someone with YOUR gills.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Rachel — Oh, and I haven’t got gills. Yet.

  3. Rachel Avatar

    Oh I’m sorry I meant “immobilize” – I don’t want anyone to think I’m violent.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Rachel — Well, to be perfectly frank, dead men are, as a rule, immobile.

  4. Rachel Avatar

    @Kris You mean that was photoshopped?!
    I bet you don’t have wings either!

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Rachel — No gills, no wings, no spiral horn sprouting from the center of my forehead; I am a shocking study in what thirty-something, overweight, bespectacled white guys with goatees look like.

  5. Rachel Avatar

    Well of course! That makes espionage much easier!

  6. J.R. Blackwell Avatar

    That is totally true about Jared Axelrod. I have seen it.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @J.R. — I daresay that no one is better positioned to verify FUN FACTS about Jared Axelrod than you are. I can only imagine how disconcerting it must be to begin the evening meal with clean-shaven Jared and finish it with goatee-sporting Evil Jared.

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