Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (Teaser Poster)Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Starring Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Kevin Dunn, Julie White, Ramon Rodriguez, Isabel Lucas, Hugo Weaving, Frank Welker and Eeyore

Directed by Michael Bay

SPOILER ALERT: These innocent-looking words may transform into evil, plot-revealing spoilers without further warning.

Michael Bay is often the object of much scorn and derision for directing films that favor style over substance, assaulting the audience with flashy special effects and booming soundtracks while seeming to eschew such things as character development and  coherent storytelling. In spite of this, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen made thirty-seven bazillion dollars 1Net. over the course of its opening weekend.

Did I say “in spite of this”? I meant “because of this”.

The reason Michael Bay’s second Transformers movie made a metric ton of money despite reviews that are almost universally negative is simple: Michael Bay understands that the modern movie theater is tailor-made for big, explodey, in-your-face films featuring frenetic action and jaw-dropping special effects that push the audience right to the edge of sensory overload and keep it there for nearly two solid hours. Bay’s brand of filmmaking has all the elements that compel me (and millions of people like me) to step up to the ticket counter and plunk down eight or nine (or ten) of their hard-earned American dollars in exchange for a hundred and twenty or so minutes of larger-than-life, mind-numbing eye candy.

Mock me if you will. Call me a philistine. I’ll gladly cop to that charge. Why? Because when the theater shakes to the rafters each time Optimus Prime’s massive metal fist smashes into a Decepticon’s face it completely drowns out the sound of cell phones ringing. When a flaming meteor pummels a giant aircraft carrier, I can’t hear the people behind me—you know the ones; the couple who insist on maintaining a running narrative throughout the entire film—yeah, I can’t hear a word they’re saying, nor can I hear the baby crying off to my right. As an added bonus, those giant transforming robots beating the bolts out of each other in a fight sequence so fast-paced my eyes and brain can barely keep up renders me all but unable to even notice the jackass in the next row updating his Facebook status from his iPhone. It’s sheer bliss.

Compelling characters? Subtle, nuanced performances? Thought-provoking narrative? Please! That stuff has no place on a forty-foot-wide screen rendered in so much digital brilliance that I can count the sympathetic protagonist’s eyelashes as the camera zooms in for a close-up during his heart-wrenching, Oscar-worthy monologue. When I want to watch a film from a visionary director that provides some insight into the human condition—the sort of intellectually-stimulating high-brow cinema-as-art drivel I’ll be talking to my well-read friends about over chardonnay and canapés—I’ll buy the DVD and watch it at home. Where it’s quiet. Where no one is kicking the back of my chair. Where the only jackass with a cell phone is me.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a triumph of cinema-as-spectacle. That said, it is also an awful, awful movie. All that stuff about sacrificing 2Or just plain ignoring. a decent story in the drive to push action to the forefront; it’s all true. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a film that, like most everything Michael Bay has ever touched, makes me want to give him a high-five and then drive my knee into his tender, private bits.

The part of me that can switch off my critical brain and just enjoy the awesome sight of 40-foot-tall robots transforming into vehicles and then back into robots, all the while beating the ever-lovin’ hell out of each other doesn’t begrudge Bay one nickel of the admission price. The other part of me—the part that still geeks out over those transforming robots but cringes when one of those robots displays very obvious testicles or when the formerly-badass leader of the Decepticons is reduced to a groveling lickspittle at the feet of The Fallen or when the movie turns into Decoys 3: Alien Robot Seduction—that part howls for Michael Bay’s head on a pike.

Revenge of the Fallen obeys some bizarre, twisted balance that I will call Bay’s First Law, which can be simply stated as follows: For every moment of awesome, there must exist an equal and opposite moment of awful. 3Bay’s Second Law: An object, particularly a vehicle, at rest will disgorge its passengers in motion—slow-motion.

Awesome Awful
Transforming robots. Come on, that’s right up there on the list of The Coolest Things Ever. Non-transforming robots. I’m looking at you, Ravage and The Fallen. Seriously, a robot that looks like a giant chrome kitty? Who the hell is that going to fool?
Robots in disguise. This might be a little redundant, but it bears repeating: robots that can transform into cars and planes and tanks and motorcycles are made of awesome! 4But I’m still annoyed that Optimus Prime has a mouth. Robots in disguise…as humans. No! No, no, no! A thousand times: no! Once you give Transformers the ability to assume non-mechanical disguises you ruin them forever! You need look only as far as the Dinobots to see ample evidence of this.
Devastator. What’s cooler than a car transforming into a giant robot? How about six or seven contruction vehicles combining to transform into a robot so big it can’t even stand upright? Devastator. What’s not cool about a robot made of seven construction vehicles? How about a pair of testicles made of wrecking balls, dangling between said robot’s legs despite the fact that none of the vehicles comprising the robot had a wrecking ball?
Jetfire. The SR-71 Blackbird may be the coolest plane in the history of aviation; the only way to make it cooler: transform it into a giant robot… …but not if that robot is my grandpa! He has a beard and a cane, for cryin’ out loud! Oh, and here’s something you probably didn’t see coming: he can teleport. Dude, if you can teleport, why do you need wheels or wings?
More Transformers. Revenge of the Fallen has a bunch of new Transformers, both Autobots and Decepticons. More giant transforming robots = more giant transforming robot fights. And that is cool. Yeah, but…two of those new ‘bots (Skids and Mudflap) are best described as racist caricatures, while Arcee, the only female Transfomer, 5Don’t try to think about why a Transformer ought to be female; your head may explode. is killed after only one line of dialog. Definitely not cool.

Then there are the humans, who exist solely to allow the budget some breathing room and to remind the audience that the Autobots have to watch where they step. Bay still drools over Mikaela (Megan Fox) with his camera, 6Megan Fox’s lipstick remains unsmudged whether she’s dry-humping a motorcycle or after two days of hauling her shapely backside across the deserts of Egypt, pursued by murderous … Continue reading while Sam (Shia LeBeouf) remains the hapless, confused hero and his parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White) provide much-unneeded comic relief.

Whether they be searching for the elusive Matrix or stumbling (literally) through a painfully-long drug joke on an unnamed college campus, anytime the humans occupy the screen without the titular transforming robots present they drain a little more of the awesome out of the movie. Thankfully, there’s enough left that I’m waiting for my next opportunity to sit in a multiplex auditorium and have my senses overloaded by all of Michael Bay’s transforming sound and fury; even if, at the end, it signifies nothing more than meets the eye.

1 Net.
2 Or just plain ignoring.
3 Bay’s Second Law: An object, particularly a vehicle, at rest will disgorge its passengers in motion—slow-motion.
4 But I’m still annoyed that Optimus Prime has a mouth.
5 Don’t try to think about why a Transformer ought to be female; your head may explode.
6 Megan Fox’s lipstick remains unsmudged whether she’s dry-humping a motorcycle or after two days of hauling her shapely backside across the deserts of Egypt, pursued by murderous Decepticons. Cover the Autobots in that same lip gloss and they’d be pretty much invincible.

16 responses to “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)”

  1. blob Avatar

    Don’t get my criticism wrong. You know well I can turn off my brain and enjoy some spectacle. Hell, I can still watch Star Wars: Send in the Clones.

    I’ll be hankerin’ to see Revenge of the Fallen when it plays on my TV.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @blob — You have a much larger television than I do.

  2. The Bearded Goose Avatar

    My first reaction to Transformers 2: Awe yeah!!! Awesome!! Gimme more!

    I went into this movie wanting nothing but more robot-on-robot action and more Megan Fox. And, for the most part, that’s exactly what I received.

    Then, I had a long conversation (I think it lasted a whole 10 minutes, even) with the owner of the local comic shop down here near Akron (JC Comics & Cards, for those who want to know). He hated the movie, and began pointing out to me all of the plot holes he saw in it.

    And I sat there and was dumbstruck. Why? Because I wasn’t looking for plot holes. I didn’t go into this for character development. Hell, I didn’t even expect a really great story at all. Why? Because I grew up on the original cartoon of the ’80s, and learned that cheese is good. And, frankly, that’s what I saw in live-action on the big screen.

    So, my $0.02. Don’t expect much more out of this movie than what you saw in the ’80s. Bay just made it more awesome for the big screen.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Goose — If you glance over at the Movie Ratings page, you’ll see that I gave Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen a more-than-respectable 7 out of 10 stars. Considering how awful the awful bits of this movie were, that’s a pretty high rating; it speaks to just how ass-kickingly awesome the awesome bits were.

      Incidentally, you probably saw less Megan Fox this time around, as she apparently lost enough weight that Michael Bay put her on a cake diet so she’d pack on a few pounds before filming started.

      I’m not looking for plot holes when I sit down and watch a movie like Revenge of the Fallen. I’m not looking for puerile scrotum humor, unfortunate racial caricatures or lazy plot devices, either. But you don’t have to be looking for the frying pan that smacks you upside the head to know you’ve been hit by it.

  3. LolaJ Avatar

    A well-written review! Worth the wait, I’d say.

    Just one suggestion from your friendly neighborhood copyeditor: look at the 4th paragraph after the spoiler alert which begins “Mock me … .” You have “Deception” instead of “Decepticon.”

    I know you like to get these things right.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @LolaJ — Fixed! You have the eyes of an eagle. Or maybe a cassette tape that transforms into an eagle—a mechanical eagle!

  4. Greg Avatar

    Fantastic closing line.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Greg — Thanks. Maybe I’m not a complete philistine after all.

  5. The Bearded Goose Avatar

    @Kris – Don’t get me wrong, sir. I enjoyed and agree with your review. My apologies for not making that clear in my previous comment.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Goose — I can see both sides of the coin where it comes to this movie (and its predecessor): I understand why you (and I, and many people I know) loved it, but I also understand why your local Comic Book Guy (and I, and many people I know) hated it. You’ve elected to ignore the plot holes and other detractors from the awesome, so in your case (and I mean this with no disrespect whatsoever, as it is often true for me, as well) ignorance is bliss. Comic Book Guy, on the other hand, appears to have taken the opposite approach, picking it apart as only the most obsessive, hard-core TFan—yeah, that’s what Transformers fans are called—can and, in the process, finding every nit to pick while discarding everything that makes the movie so damned enjoyable.

  6. Kato Avatar

    You’re a philistine!

    But your review is spot-on. Except for the part about Ravage: he/it transforms into a missile pod launched by Soundwave from orbit. Lame, I know, but he was a cassette tape in the original, which is about the lamest thing a Decepticon could transform into except for the one who was a camera. Or the Autobot who was a microscope.

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Kato — I stand corrected re: Ravage, though I—like you—question the usefulness of being able to transform into a missile pod. “Well, that missile pod sure as hell shouldn’t be there, but at least it’s not a shiny robot kitty; that would be cause for alarm!”

  7. Cmaaarrr Avatar

    Your review is distilled, spot-on glory.

    I will say that Ravage was well-preserved from the original concept – in both the original cartoon and the movie, he was spat out from Soundwave’s gullet, and his alternate form is completely useless (oversized cassette tape v. pod).

    1. Kris Avatar

      @Cmaaarrr — How tragic is it that Soundwave is arguably the coolest Decepticon, yet his troops are easily the most ridiculous? Sure, it’s preposterous that the leader of the ‘Cons (as we TFans call ’em) transforms into a gun that Starscream must then point at the Autobots; I’ll grant you that. But what possible good can come of transforming from some form of mechano-predator into a mix tape?

      MEGATRON: Where were you when the battle ensued, Ravage? You were notably absent during the skirmish.

      RAVAGE: The human’s would-be-girlfriend threw me in her locker with two dozen other tapes he made for her. I was trapped all weekend!

      Laserbeak, Ravage and their ilk have but one saving grace: as Kato rightly points out, Perceptor, the Autobot who turns into a microscope pretty much sets the bar for lame disguises.

  8. subcorpus Avatar

    i saw it too … didnt like it much …
    my take is on my blog …

    1. Kris Avatar

      @subcorpus — Your blog is certainly very—to misuse a term—elliptical.

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