In a press conference held Monday afternoon, a representative from World Dryer Corporation (a subsidiary of Carrier Corporation) announced that all automatic hand dryers produced by the company would be manufactured with pre-vandalized operating instruction labels.

“We estimate that nearly 98% of all installed automatic hand dryers are vandalized within 24 hours of installation,” said Scott Tidwell, Vice President of Public Relations. “This initiative will save hundreds, possibly thousands, of vandal-hours per year.”

Vandal-hours the company hopes will be put to use creating new, original means by which automatic hand dryers can be defaced.

“We’ve seen the same tired old phrases scratched onto our labels for at least twenty years,” said Tidwell. “There’s just nothing new in automatic-hand-dryer-vandalism world. We’re going to change that. Starting in October, the vandals are going to have to step up their game.”

Until 2002, when the company introduced the new pictographic instruction label to select markets, nearly every automatic hand dryer in every McDonalds, State Park and WalMart restroom was defaced in exactly the same manner; it is this standardized vandalism that World Dryer will reproduce.

“Once we re-tool the manufacturing facilities, every dryer with the classic text-based instruction set will advise people to push their butt and rub their hands gently ‘under arm hair’,” Tidwell said. “The final step, of course, will be to ‘wipe hands on pants’.”

When asked whether automatic hand dryers featuring the pictograph-style instruction labels would be modified with text instructing users to “Push Button” and “Receive Bacon”, Tidwell responded in the affirmative, but indicated that such dryers would probably not be produced until early 2010.

Shares of Carrier Corporation’s parent company, UTC (NYSE: UTX) closed at $56.11, down 0.23%, after the announcement.