The young apprentice’s dreams thus far have included a very limited “cast” of people, all of whom are among his tight circle of favorite and trusted relatives/friends. The very fact that Mr. Miller has even made a cameo appearance ought to be taken as a compliment, I should think.

Kyle Johnson fears large dogs and any food on his plate that is not PB&J, grilled cheese, or sugar laden. I am not convinced he fears “Uncle Miller.” I mean, he has dubbed him somewhat affectionately “Uncle,” despite the fact that we encourage him to use the title “Mr.”

I’m just saying.

I have never, not once, poked my child with a stick, locked him outside at night, or taken his ice cream away while wearing a mask with your face on it; any and all abuses I heap upon my young apprentice are perpetrated while wearing my own visage.

That said, I cannot be held responsible for what the boy’s other parent does while I am away at work…

The child fears me. I do not know why. I suspect it has something to do with you, Johnson, wearing a mask with my face on it and poking him with sticks, locking him outside at night, and taking his ice cream away.

It’s a vast conspiracy, so that one day I’ll come over and Kyle will leap on me and rip my throat out.

Clearly, I need to do that adamantium claw-thing with my son, Logan.

Oh, pediatric arms races are an ugly business.