March 2010

  • Welcome to Parenthood: Awesome


    As restaurants go, Quaker Steak & Lube is pretty cool: a service station crossed with a 50s diner theme, cars and motorcycles hanging from the ceiling, and fantastic food. Kyle was suitably impressed with the decor, but the icing on the cake came during a visit to the men’s room.

    “Look at this,” I said, pointing to the door handle shaped like a gas pump nozzle, “pretty cool, huh?”

    No reaction, but he’s four years old and has never seen a gas pump nozzle up close, so I really don’t know what I was expecting.

    The door closed behind us and I directed him to the urinal.

    “Wow!” he exclaimed. “A new kind of toilet! This restaurant is awesome!

  • Welcome to Parenthood: Opposites


    Kyle accidentally head-butted me a couple of days ago, and my natural reaction was to feign unconsciousness.

    KYLE: Daddy, don’t be dead!

    ME (without opening my eyes): I’m not dead, I’m knocked out.

    KYLE: Well, get knocked back in!

  • Assuming the Mantle


    The following is only slightly paraphrased and contains two instances of the phrase “pretentious douchebag(s).” This preamble is verbatim and also contains two instances of the phrase “pretentious douchebag(s).”

    ME: I think I may buy one of those MacBooks the pretentious douchebags like.

    BOB: Oh? Are you appropriately equipped to assume the mantle of pretentious douchebag?

    ME: Well, the MacBook comes with a coupon for a free soul patch and form-fitting black turtleneck, but I’m concerned that I don’t have the right body type for the turtleneck.

    BOB: How about a pair of hipster glasses and an ironic t-shirt?

    Alas, I can’t afford hipster glasses just now as…well, I recently purchased a MacBook; but I hope this t-shirt is sufficiently ironic.