March 2010

  • Welcome to Parenthood: Awesome

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    As restaurants go, Quaker Steak & Lube is pretty cool: a service station crossed with a 50s diner theme, cars and motorcycles hanging from the ceiling, and fantastic food. Kyle was suitably impressed with the decor, but the icing on the cake came during a visit to the men’s room.

    “Look at this,” I said, pointing to the door handle shaped like a gas pump nozzle, “pretty cool, huh?”

    No reaction, but he’s four years old and has never seen a gas pump nozzle up close, so I really don’t know what I was expecting.

    The door closed behind us and I directed him to the urinal.

    “Wow!” he exclaimed. “A new kind of toilet! This restaurant is awesome!

  • Welcome to Parenthood: Opposites

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    Kyle accidentally head-butted me a couple of days ago, and my natural reaction was to feign unconsciousness.

    KYLE: Daddy, don’t be dead!

    ME (without opening my eyes): I’m not dead, I’m knocked out.

    KYLE: Well, get knocked back in!

  • Assuming the Mantle

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    The following is only slightly paraphrased and contains two instances of the phrase “pretentious douchebag(s).” This preamble is verbatim and also contains two instances of the phrase “pretentious douchebag(s).”

    ME: I think I may buy one of those MacBooks the pretentious douchebags like.

    BOB: Oh? Are you appropriately equipped to assume the mantle of pretentious douchebag?

    ME: Well, the MacBook comes with a coupon for a free soul patch and form-fitting black turtleneck, but I’m concerned that I don’t have the right body type for the turtleneck.

    BOB: How about a pair of hipster glasses and an ironic t-shirt?

    Alas, I can’t afford hipster glasses just now as…well, I recently purchased a MacBook; but I hope this t-shirt is sufficiently ironic.