KJToo

Way back in the rough and tumble days of early 2007, I told you about some of the folks who have called my work cell phone looking for someone who is clearly not me. I don’t know what it is, but the phone attracts wrong numbers. Usually I just politely inform the caller that they’ve got the wrong number and carry on with my day.

Usually.

The following is a rough transcript of a call I received yesterday.

Me: Hello.
Caller (female): [something about "retard" and possibly "Bob"]
Me: I’m sorry, you’ve g-
Caller: The child is drinking the liquor you left on the counter, retard!
Me: You’ve got the wrong number.
Caller: Yeah, right. Listen, retard, the child is drinking the liquor you left here!
Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I don’t know who you are.
Caller: Yeah you do! The child is drinking the…

This “dialog” continued for a few more seconds, with me insisting that the caller had a wrong number and her calling me a retard and a liar until I just hung up. I expected her to call back right away, but my phone was mercifully silent.

Posted August 30, 2008 Comments(4)

Despite the fact that I don’t live in or blog about Cleveland, last night I attended the Cleveland Webloggers August meetup organized by George Nemeth. No one seemed to mind that I live in Willoughby, or that my blog doesn’t typically wander into the realms of Cleveland politics,1 society, art or industry.2 And since I wasn’t shunned or ostracized, I thought I’d write a quick blurb about the meetup.

Venue

Americano, a new restaurant at One Bratenahl Place. Fairly simple to find, despite the fact that I saw literally no signage. I believe the lack of signage has more to do with Bratenahl Place than Americano, but I suppose I could be wrong. The restaurant doesn’t currently have a web site, but chef Vytauras “Chef V” Sasnauskas does have a blog on Blogspot.

Attendees

• George Nemeth (Optimistic Rebel, Brewed Fresh Daily)
• Toni Chanakas (Brewed Fresh Daily)
• Jeff Hershberger (My Future Past)
• Jeff Hess (Have Coffee Will Write, The Writing on the Wal)
• Barney Taxel (Taxel Image Group)

Topics of Discussion

After a round of introductions, George suggested that we play “Thinkers and Drinkers”. Everyone wrote a question on a piece of paper and tossed it into a hat. As our hostess came by at various times to check up on us, George asked her to fish a new question out of the hat. I’m paraphrasing a bit here, but these are the questions as I remember them (not necessarily in order of discussion):

• What do you think will change in 2009 (as compared to 2008)?
  The immediate answer was that we in the United States will have a new Commander in Chief. No one at the table seemed especially saddened by this fact. There was some speculation as to whether the national economy will rebound after the election and if, in fact, the economy has yet reached the lowest point of its current slump.3
• Do bloggers have a responsibility to be honest in their blogging and do we need to have a “hard shell”?
  Readers of this blog will know that honesty is something with which I have only a passing acquaintance; if I see honesty walking toward me, I will cross the street or duck into an alley to avoid it. My shell isn’t particularly hard (or my skin especially thick), but it’s something I’m working to improve. When we put our thoughts out there for all the world to see, it’s important to realize that not everyone will agree with or even appreciate those thoughts, and being able to take criticism (or outright attack) is essential to not being labeled an asshat.
  This discussion also led down the road of the consequences of blogging, specifically the potential ramifications to a blogger’s continued employment. I try to keep this blog completely separate from my professional life.4 While it isn’t terribly difficult to determine which company I work for, you’ll never see me discussing that company or the details of my job here, except in abstract. The opinions expressed here are, obviously, my own and not those of my employer. I do not present myself as an authorized representative of said employer.
• If you learned you were going to die in a short time, how would you live your life differently?
  This question arose because we had just received word that Cleveland-born Ohio Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs-Jones had died of a cerebral aneurysm. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately, depending on the circumstances) people don’t always get a lot of warning with aneurysm, so I don’t know whether Tubbs-Jones was living her life with the expectation that death could be just around the corner. I cursed George for making me consider my own mortality, but ultimately I think Kyle would get sick of me if I knew I was going to die in a week.
• What is your pet approach to solving the problem of global climate change (née warming)?
  There was a lot of talk about sustainability, eating local foods, cutting back on automobile usage and recycling. One interesting tidbit:5 if we were to eat only foods that had been shipped less than 200 miles to reach us, the main staple of our diet we would have to give up would be bread, as there is no wheat grown in the state of Ohio. We also wandered onto the topic of litter in general, and I expressed a desired to do various unpleasant things to people who flick their cigarette butts out of car windows.6

Food

I saw a very nice-looking steak at the other end of the table, as well as some calamari and a grilled chicken dish of some sort (I should have grabbed a menu). I ordered the Americano burger7 and it was quite tasty. Later, when George, Barney and I adjourned to the bar, I had a bite of the sweet corn ravioli, which was excellent.

Beverages

I started the evening with an Americano. There was orange juice in it. And liquor, but I can’t remember what. It had a nice little kick to it. After that, I switched to lattés and water. The lattés were good, but I managed to burn my tongue on the second one. Given that some of the earlier discussion centered on how litigious our society is, I briefly considered bringing a lawsuit against the bistro for not preventing me from being a dumbass but then I remembered that, while I may be a dumbass, I try not to be an asshat.

Final Impressions

It was an interesting group of people to hang out with for a few hours, and George selected a good venue for the meetup. (I believe Americano will host the group again next month.) The conversation tended toward a little more depth than I’m used to (not one mention of Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! or Spider-Man), but it’s good to be pulled out of your comfort zone now and again. I plan to attend the September meetup, provided I don’t have any unexpected scheduling conflicts.

1. Or any politics, for that matter. [back]
2. Let’s be honest here: I rarely even go to Cleveland. Prior to last night’s meetup, the last time I was anywhere near downtown and not just driving through was a Refresh Cleveland meetup back in May, and I was really just tagging along with now-expatriate Chris Miller. It’s not that I don’t like the city, I’m just not close enough to it that I feel compelled to visit on a regular basis. Plus, I used to have some real issues getting out of Cleveland once I got in, (I’m much better now, thank you.) and I suspect I have some emotional scarring as a result. [back]
3. Are we still calling it a “slump” or have we begrudgingly accepted that it’s a recession? [back]
4. I have to stifle a giggle when I use the word “professional” when referring to myself. [back]
5. I heard it from a guy who posts stuff on the Internet, so it must be true. [back]
6. If you’re reading this and are such a person, you suck. There is simply no excuse for your behavior. If you’re reading this and you’re the person who dropped their cigarette butt in my front flower bed, you suck even more; I don’t know who you are, but if you’re ever in my house again, you owe me an apology for being a disrespectful guest and a littering asshat. [back]
7. With fries, naturally. I should have asked if they make their own ketchup, as it seemed a little sweeter than what I’m used to. Not a bad thing, just different. [back]

Posted August 21, 2008 Comments(6)

If you are part of the blogosphere, whether you are a blogebrity or (like me) toil away in blogscurity, you are probably aware of the First Universal Truth of Blogging: Comment spam is a royal pain in the blogterior.1

Fortunately, plugins like Akismet have proven (at least in the case of this particular blog) to be very effective at dulling the pain to a large degree. Akismet has caught more than 155,000 spam comments and trackbacks since I installed it,2 and that means 155,000+ comments about bizarre (and often illegal) sex practices, bizarre (and often illegal) sources for prescription drugs, and bizarre (and often illegal) quotes for car insurance that you never see. Akismet isn’t perfect; it occasionally captures a legitimate comment, which means I have to monitor my spam queue just to make sure there’s not a comment from Dave in there.3 Akismet also lets a handful of spam comments through to my moderation queue every week, but on the whole I’d say it’s got a better than 90% accuracy rate at catching obvious spam.

The obvious spam that Akismet misses are easily spotted and dealt with accordingly; they usually contain dozens of links to sites of dubious nature. It’s the clever spam, the stuff that makes at least a minimal effort to be relevant to the original post, that sometimes throws me for a loop. Here’s a sample that I moderated today, posted on my review of the movie Transformers:

From: Ford Lover [Okay, there's the first tip that this isn't entirely legit, but maybe it's just a guy who really likes Fords. I've known a few of those in my thirty-five years.]
Comment: I wasn’t as thrilled about this movie. I would like to see a Ford transform and beat some Chevy’s! [Hmm, that's actually kind of germane to the discussion. There are no links to obnoxious websites in the comment, which is good. And, hey, there's a punctuation error! How human! Maybe I should let this one through...]

Except that Ford Lover’s website (which his/her name would link to, should the comment be approved) isn’t a blog, personal page or even a MySpace/Facebook profile, it’s a car dealership4 with a streaming video ad that automatically plays when the page is loaded.

I’ve seen this type of comment creeping in for a couple of weeks now, and I’ve been on the fence as to whether or not to allow them simply because, at first glance, they do appear to be relevant to what passes for the conversation around here. I’ve even been tempted to strip out the annoying link and approve the comment, but that would open the door to a barrage of spam from the same individual/IP address.5

Plus, there’s nothing in the actual content of the comments of this nature that really compels me to respond to them. I suppose I could start a big GM-versus-Ford back and forth with “Ford Lover”, but for the most part I just don’t see the comment adding much, despite its initial apparent relevance.

So, here’s the deal: If you’re trying to sell something, go away. If you link to a site that isn’t your blog or other personal page (MySpace, Facebook, Friendster6 or the like.) or a page that isn’t immediately relevant to the content of your comment (e.g., citing a source, linking to a Wikipedia entry or an article on SciFi.com or a page on IMDb) I’m going to dump your comment into my spam queue and you won’t have an opportunity to establish a dialog with me and the readers of this site. Do you work for or own a car dealership? Too bad. Don’t link to it. I work for an insurance company, but you will never see a link to a site trying to sell you insurance here. Not going to happen.

Sadly, the spammers aren’t going to abide by this rule; I’ll keep seeing the same type of garbage day after day,7 but now I won’t hesitate for even a second before I dump it into my spam queue. I’ve established a rule, and that feels good.

EDIT: This comment from “Seamus Burns” appeared in my spam queue only a few hours after I wrote the post. I didn’t immediately notice that the commentor’s website is a rate-comparison site for hotels in Singapore until after I had read through the comment twice trying to parse it:

It was cool to compare the comment and start to just hang out. Ford Lover was the First Universal Truth. Anyway, as I write this at links next morning, I still have no links in my pack - we weren’t able to dry it overnight.

EDIT: (21 August 2008) Dammit, here’s another one, this time commenting on my post-Christmas 2007 entry:

Christmas was great… my son actually jumped with glee a few times. And, you know its a good year when someone tells you that hearing from you was the best present of the day. I think I actually felt my grinch exterior sloughing off… I may even hang a wreath or something next year

Just found your blog and etsy shop - and I’m a fellow etsian. I agree - the word of mouth and how things move around are very interesting and it’s great to hook up with other’s to spread the word. Your markers are great - different and not the everyday that you find out there

Ooooo, if only I need new something like same … I’ll check yours out some time again. thank you.

First off, I don’t have an “etsy shop”. I’m not against Etsy,8 but this commentor and I aren’t fellow anything. Second, it’s August. Christmas 2008 is four months away. Yet this commentor talks about putting up a wreath “next year”. That bugs me for some reason.

1. I don’t know that this is actually the First Universal Truth of Blogging, but writing about the Second (or worse, Thirty-Fifth) Universal Truth of Blogging isn’t quite as relevant or topical, so I’ll take a certain amount of artistic license. [back]
2. I know this because of the friendly message on my comment administration page that says, “Akismet has caught x spam for you since you installed it.” Where x is currently 155,632 but will almost certainly be over 160,000 by the end of the month. And that’s on a tiny little blog with almost negligible traffic. I can only imagine that the aforementioned blogebrities are seeing 160,000 or more spam comments every single month. [back]
3. No, the other Dave. [back]
4. Sorry, Ford Lover, I’m not going to say which one. [back]
5. In theory, once I’ve approved a comment from an e-mail or IP address, future comments from the same address won’t be held for moderation or marked as spam. Which doesn’t explain why Dave’s comments are consistently flagged by Akismet, but…well, it’s Dave; he’s gotta be difficult. [back]
6. Just kidding. [back]
7. Bring it home, baby, make it soon. [back]
8. Frequent commentor Nycteris has an Etsy shop where she sells handmade jewelry and some seriously awesome clay sculptures of little dragons and other beasties. I don’t feel at all hypocritical linking to it in a post railing against using my blog as a place to shill your own wares. Why? Because Nycteris contributes to the conversation; she’s not just here for marketing purposes. In fact, she’s never linked to her Etsy shop through the comment form. [back]

Posted August 19, 2008 Comments(8)

Thursday morning1 we packed up the MVoD and headed out to the Maumee Bay State Park for a long weekend of camping.

I took a great many photographs of our camping trip and would like little more than to share them with the world. Unfortunately, the family with whom we were camping is in the Federal Witness Protection Program and we had to go to some lengths to ensure that none of them were captured on the digital equivalent of “film”.

For example, here is the father of this very private and (understandably) secretive group. Though his true name and even his assumed name must be kept confidential, I shall henceforth refer to him as “Matt”. That the pseudonym I have chosen for him happens to be the name of one of my oldest friends, whom I have known since I was a child, is mere coincidence.2

I will not divulge the reason for the family’s exile into a life of relentless secrecy, but I will reveal that “Matt” once worked in Washington, D.C., and in doing so it is entirely possible that I have already said too much.

Here is “Marja”. Like her father, the lass’ features must remain concealed; unlike her father, “Marja” has chosen a stylish set of sunglasses instead of a large straw hat behind which to obscure her identity. “Marja” is a traditional Finnish name that means either “beloved”, “a berry” or “a member of my family witnessed a horrible crime and I must now live in constant fear of discovery”. Finnish is a complicated language.

I should point out that the barrier surrounding “Marja” is not intended to confine her, but rather to keep any would-be attackers from reaching her should the family’s true identity be revealed.

Young “Drew” (seen here hiding in Kyle’s tent) takes after his mother, proving all but impossible to photograph. He has adjusted very well to the family’s lifestyle; so much so that his nickname ought to be “Mint Jelly.”3 “Drew” and Kyle got along very well for the most part and they spent most of the trip hiding from the adults. While I’m quite certain that we found Kyle and took him home with us, I cannot be sure that “Drew’s” parents found him when it was time to leave, so there is a very real possibility that the lad is still hiding somewhere around sites 221 and 222 at the Maumee Bay State Park campgrounds.

By the end of our trip, Kyle had picked up some tips from “Drew” and his family. My attempts to photograph him on the playground were largely unsuccessful due to his uncanny ability to interpose objects between himself and the camera. I have since had a long discussion with him, explaining that we aren’t in the Federal Witness Protection Program because his daddy knows to keep his mouth shut and not go blabbing to the authorities every time he sees a prominent politician get whacked by an overzealous lobbyist.

1. Okay, in an ideal world, this would have happened Thursday morning. In reality, we didn’t leave the International House of Johnson until well after 2:00pm. [back]
2. ”Matt’s” wife, “Sheila”, is by far the most paranoid of the family, and so I was unable to take any photographs of her at all. Reviewing shots in which I was certain she would appear, I found that she had somehow managed to quickly disguise herself as a camping chair, propane grill, or—on one occasion—a lens flare. [back]
3. ’Cause he’s on the lam. [back]

Posted August 18, 2008 Comments(6)

Matthew Wayne Selznick’s Brave Men Run: A Novel of the Sovereign Era is the latest podiobook to make the jump to the print market. The book will be released by Swarm Press this Sunday, 13 July 2008, and Matt has planned a day-long “Book Release Web-a-thon” to help promote sales on Amazon.com. There are plenty of details at the the book’s official site but the gist is this: beginning at 10am EST on Sunday and continuing every hour throughout the day, Matt will be streaming live video and reading new short stories set in the universe of his novels. Contributors include Mur Lafferty (Playing For Keeps), J.C. Hutchins (the 7th Son trilogy), Nathan Lowell (South Coast, Quarter Share) and other well-known podcasters and podiobook authors.

Brave Men Run is the story of Nate Charters, a teenaged boy who is about as far from normal as teenagers get: he looks different and he has abilities that he has kept hidden from his peers for his entire life. But when the existence of the so-called “Sovereigns” is announced on live television, Nate learns that he is not alone, and his life changes forever. Brave Men Run is a superhero coming-of-age story that doesn’t feel like it was lifted from the pages of a comic book, but rather like it was born in the halls of your own high school and on the streets of your home town.

Brave Men Run: A Novel of the Sovereign Era is still available as a free, serialized audiobook at Podiobooks.com, read by the author. The audio version was nominated for a Parsec Award in 2006.

Posted July 11, 2008 Comments(2)