Tag Archives: food

Foodstuff: On the Matter of Pie (Part the Second)

How Not To Grow A Beard: Day 20
Yesterday’s discourse on the virtue of pie was a bit of a bait and switch, and for that I apologize. My original intent was to extol the virtue of several pies that—though they cannot compete in any realistic sense with the culinary perfection of a properly-prepared pumpkin pie—I enjoy a great deal. Unfortunately, I ran out of time.

The first hurdle faced when engaging in a serious discussion of pie is one of classification. While I touched on the distinction between dessert and non-dessert pies yesterday, the problem of classification is incredibly complex, even if we limit ourselves to only dessert pies.

At first blush, it seems a simple matter to separate pies into three categories: fruit, berry and custard. However, this immediately leads to questions as to how pumpkin pie is classified, as it is both a fruit and a custard pie. We have also entirely failed to take into account cream pies, such as those originating in Boston, but the introduction of a fourth category leads to even further confusion as the proper classification of the banana cream pie becomes an issue. Confusion abounds and we’ve yet to touch on the pseudo-pies, those whose crusts are filled with pudding or mousse.

Allowing for hybrid pies goes a long way toward making more precise classification possible (e.g. strawberry-rhubarb is both a berry and a fruit pieSort of.), but berry enthusiasts will undoubtedly claim the strawberry contributes more to the flavor, texture, and overall enjoyment of the pie. That anyone who would make such a claim is clearly batshit crazy is completely irrelevant to the discussion, but does paint a fairly accurate portrait of the average berry pie fanatic.

Unfortunately, even in the example above, there is room for argument. Rhubarb is not a fruit; it is only classified as such because of how it is eaten. Now before the vegetable contingent pipes up on the matter, let me say this: rhubarb isn’t a vegetable, either, so shut your pie holes. Rhubarb is an herb.

Let me repeat that: rhubarb is an herb. We haven’t even gotten to sweet potato pieRoot vegetables? Do we really need to go there? yet and already we’ve got to take herbs into consideration. It boggles the mind.

So far we’ve got fruit, berryYes, I realize that berries are technically fruits. But not all fruits are berries, so they’re different, okay? Let it go, will ya? This is hard enough without you nitpicking every damn thing I say., vegetable, herb, custard, cream, pudding and mousse.

And nut. Damn pecans.

Am I forgetting any?

Foodstuff: On the Matter of Pie

How Not To Grow A Beard: Day 19
I have been asked (and very politely, I might add) to expound upon the matter of pie and the relative worth of different varieties of the same. This dialog (and I name it so for it is my fervent hope that everyone who reads this will comment with their own pie preferences and philosophies) is not one to be undertaken lightly, nor would it be wise to begin an intercourse on the topic without first establishing some manner of boundaries and limitations to which the conversation ought be restricted. It is therefore in the interest of clear, cordial and civilized discussion that I shall declare the following:

For the purposes of this discussion, “pizza” and “chicken pot” are not to be considered proper varieties of pie. Only those pies containing some manner of fruit, berry, sweet and/or tart vegetable (e.g., rhubarb), custard or pudding filling shall be deemed “true pie”.I reserve the right to include additional pies should the fancy strike me. So there.

On to the matter at hand…

OMG Pumpkin Pie is teh BEST PIE EVAR!!!1!~

Thank you.

Non sequitur: Marconi plays the mamba, listen to the radio…

Laura asked me to pick up some dinner on the way home from work this evening so I decided it was time for the baconating. I was listening to Nuketown Radioactive when I got to Wendy’s, but the iTransFM blocks the cupholders in the MVoD, so I turned KJToonz off and switched on the radio, flipping through the stations and—because the guy at the window rudely interrupted my station surfing by asking for my order—stopping on 104.1, also known as Q104.

I ordered my Baconator combo with a Sprite and Laura’s Big Bacon Classic combo with large fries and a Diet Coke, pulled through, paid with my MasterCard, grabbed the food and headed home, stealing a few fries out of the bag as I drove. Wendy’s is about two miles from the International House of Johnson and there are six traffic lights on the way, but I only had to stop at two of them.

As I backed the MVoD into the driveway, I realized that I hadn’t heard a single song since turning on the radio. I’m estimating somewhere between seven and ten solid minutes of advertisement between the time I turned my iPod off and the time I pulled into the driveway at the International House of Johnson.

And that’s why I don’t listen to the radio anymore.

Non Sequitur: Diet Coke and Mentos

Diet Coke Fountain
If you frequent YouTube.com or Google Video, you’ve almost certainly seen a slew of videos in which people combine Mentos mints and Diet Coke with explosive results. Sunday evening after dinner, we were relaxing on the deck with friends and family after dinner when my mother declared that she wanted to see the Mentos and Diet Coke experiment.

We had neither Diet Coke nor Mentos in the house, so a trip to the grocery store was in order.

  • One box of Mentos mints: $1.09
  • Three 2-liter bottles of Diet Coke: $3.00
  • Mom encouraging her kids to play with their food: priceless

P is for Plastic People.

Busy, busy weekend.

On Friday we had a “team event” at work. My team consists of five peons and one overlord, and we decided a month or so ago that we’d all like to see the Bodyworlds 2 exhibit at the Great Lakes Science Center. Most of us ((All but one, who opted to drive his motorcycle and wound up having to leave before dinner.)) piled into the MVoD at noon and within moment escaped the gravitational well of the office. We had lunch at ¿Que Tal? and then it was off to the Science Center.

The exhibit was fascinating. That Gunther Gebel-Williams von Hagen is either a straight-up old school mad scientist or a stone-cold serial killer. Either way, he put together an impressive array of human cadavers that provides unprecedented insight into human anatomy. I came away amazed that the world doesn’t break us into tiny pieces on a daily basis.

After the exhibit ((We also saw Mystery of the Nile at the OMNIMAX theater. It’s the story of the first expedition to ever successfully navigate the Nile from its source to the Mediterranean Sea. It was breath-takingly beautiful and the music was excellent. I’m hoping there’s a soundtrack CD available online.)) we proceeded to the New York Spaghetti House for dinner. We all split the mozzarella marinara appetizer and I enjoyed a raspberry martini, house salad (excellent dressing), lasagna and tiramisu. It was all excellent.

Saturday morning I was supposed to go cycling with Bob, but it rained, ((Well, it threatened to rain. We argued that the precipitation factor was simply too unpredictable to chance. We’ve both got caliper brakes on our bicycles, and they don’t work all that well when wet.)) so we opted to forgo the cycling in favor of breakfast at IHOP. To make up for not doing 10+ miles on the bike, I practiced my power-eating on four pancake-wrapped sausage links and a large orange juice. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as aerobic exercise.

Project Gotham Racing 2
After breakfast, the Xbox LAN party commenced. ((While I was getting my game on, Laura and her mother spent the day shopping for porn corn. I’m told that they actually bought some sweet, juicy porn corn, too, but I won’t get to experience it until this evening.)) There was much playing of HALO 2 and Project Gotham Racing 2, which lasted until at least one wee hour of the morning. I got home at about a quarter of two on Sunday morning and was just as surprised as Laura to find me still in bed when she got home from church at one in the afternoon.

Laura and I had lunch at Red Robin, did a little shopping, then went home so I could get the printer connected to her newly-moved PC. I played a little Tetris Worlds while Laura napped, then I mowed the lawn. It was just the sort of hectic, fast-paced, action-packed day that separates our thrill-a-minute lifestyle from the mundane, humdrum existence of “normal” folks.

Apart from learning that Laura is eighteen weeks pregnant, that pretty much sums up our weekend.

Raising the bar.

The Big Mac has long been the gold standard, the sandwich by which all other fast food is measured. The Big Mac is a standard unit of Fast Food Badness. When Subway wants to sell you their sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub, they tell you that three of these sandwiches have less fat than a single Big Mac.

When you combine two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, then enclose the whole thing in a sesame seed bun, you get 30 grams of fat and 560 calories. Yum.

The folks over at Hardee’s have just introduced a new burger that makes the Big Mac look like a small garden salad with light Italian dressing.

It’s the Monster Thickburger. “Two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun.”

Hey, Big Mac. Thirty grams of fat? Amateur! How about 107 grams, baby? Oh, and 560 calories? Child’s play! Try 1,420 calories on for size. Or two.

Yeah. There was way too much blood flowing through my arteries anyway. Does this beast come with a free trial prescription to Lipitor, by any chance?

While restaurants like McDonalds are dropping the “Super Size” in an attempt to make their menus a little more friendly to health-conscious folks, it’s interesting to see Hardee’s bucking the trend and taking fast food gluttony to new heights. Damn the cholesterol! Full speed ahead!